14 May 2009

Guilty pleasure?

Fact: I am unashamed to admit that I'm a fan of America's Next Top Model. This fandom is multi-faceted. I like it because it's kind of amazing to see seemingly normal gals turn into drop-dead gorgeous models - awkward faces/personalities/fashion sense and all. I like it because Tyra Banks is several doses of crazy. I like it because Nigel Barker is several doses of attractive. (His accent, at least.) I like it because the makeover episode is inspirational and entertaining. (I will never understand girls who have mental conniptions over their hair.)

Quite some time ago, a coworker and I found an online application to audition for the show. You see, next cycle (that's Tyra-talk for "season") will be made up of short models only. 5'7" and under ... Lisa Leslie's need not apply. So, clearly we "joked" about modeling it up. (Some more jokingly than others.) And let me tell you, this application is a thing of greatness. Let's just talk about some of the better questions, and the producers' obvious mental commentary while writing them.

  • "14a If you are married or in a relationship, how would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1-10? Please explain ... 14b If you are married or in a relationship, how will your partner feel about the potential two-month separation?"
Your significant other should be the jealous type. Please proceed to tell us tales of thrice-hourly calls during your workday and the multitude of shrines made in your honor. Welcome to ANTM.
  • "24 Regardless of your marital status, describe your ideal romantic partner."
You know, so we can be sure to cast them as your male model counterparts for a photo shoot. Let the cheating commence.
  • "49 Do you have a temper? How often do you lose your temper? What provokes you?"
We will be sure to cast the embodiment of every single one of your pet peeves. Don't say we didn't warn you.
  • "52 When was the last time you hit, punched, kicked or threw something in anger? Please provide details."
This is either precautionary or ratings gold, depending on the severity your answer.
  • "63 What types of people would you choose to have living with you in the house? ... 64 What types of people would you NOT choose to live with you in the house?"
Tip: If you want to save your sanity, answer the opposite of what you feel.
  • "67 Who is your favorite supermodel? ... your least favorite? Explain."
Let us answer this for you. Part 1: Tyra Banks. Part 2: everyone else.
  • "72 How did you hear about the show?"
Do not say The Soup. Tyra may or may not be in the middle of negotiating a contract to have Joel McHale killed.

04 May 2009

They're back

Saturday morning I decided to be productive while my Awake Juice was brewing. I picked up a piece of tupperware in the sink to rinse it out before putting it in the dishwasher and what was underneath? Why, a dead cave cricket, of course. (See this blog post for visual reinforcement of the situation's creep-factor.)

After a few air punches and five minutes of the willies, I proceeded to flush the devil spawn down the drain and let the garbage disposal run all day. Ok, 30 seconds.

Not cool.