Green

Jealousy. It's an emotion commonly described as "ugly." While I've always known this classification superficially, I never truly realized the depth of its awfulness. And I certainly didn't do anything to try to subside the emotions. But now I know how unsightly it is. I mean, I'd even go as far to say the J word is as ugly as a hairless Chinese Crested dog ... and those things are beyond ugly.

Jealousy has always been a trait I've known. It's one of many flaws my personality plays home to ... but this is the one that keeps coming back to haunt me. I've come to terms that I'm never going to be perfect, trying to tone down my self-criticism and the desire to strive for such an unattainable, and let's be honest undesirable, status. Cliche as it may be, it's those quirks and flaws that make us who we are. They are what teach us, hopefully, the lessons awaiting throughout our life course.

But every so often, albeit less frequently nowadays, jealousy sneaks up on me. And even when I recognize its attempts to take over any progress I've made, I still witness it's hideous nature seeping in, even if it's ever-so-slightly. And it's a scary feeling.

Whenever I'm presented with a potentially jealous-ridden situation, it starts off small. I tell myself I'm not bothered. I tell myself not to let it take over this time. But somewhere along the way, my brain shuts out any self-control. Any common sense. And my competitive side takes over. Growing up, and somewhat to this day, something latched onto my personality that told me I have to be the best at everything. It's ok when it comes to a little friendly competition. (Except for that time I punched a girl in the face on the soccer field. Different story entirely.) But when it comes to simply being that I have to be better, it takes its toll. Nevermind that I firmly believe that pretty, skinny, stylish and the like are all relative. The moment I'm threatened, whatever the minuscule reason, I revert to old ways. It has caused me to do things I'm not proud of. Things I can now luckily resist. But it doesn't make the pit in my stomach go away. And I can't decide what's worse.