Wreath of kin

The year's last two months are when my mailbox is its fattest. And this extra padding is equal parts "YOU CAN'T MISS THIS SALE!!!!!!!!!!!!" announcements/catalogues and holiday greetings from friends and family. For the former, I take no issue with scanning for any sizable coupons and pitching them in the garbage. For the latter, I feel guilty when the cards and letters just sit in a towering stack on my coffee table. I feel like the best I can do in that situation is shuffle which smiles get to land on top for the next few days. And heaven forbid if any of my loved ones are claustrophobic. What if those holiday cards have voodoo doll-like tendencies?!

So this year, I used my newness mission to remedy the guilty pile situation. I now have a "wreath" to display all my favorite pretty faces!



This project was easy-peazy-Brett-Favre's-sleazy. Just get an embroidery ring, some clothespins, wood glue and ribbon. I picked up the biggest embroidery ring, because I'm clearly the most popular woman in the universe. Ridiculous lies aside, you just glue the clothespins around the perimeter, alternating which way the clasp faces. Let it dry for a while, cover the obnoxious metal with a ribbon and you're set to show off your loved ones in crafty fashion.

In the past, the only circle of cards I witnessed involved chugging cheap beer (in college, obvi.) This circle of cards is not only better for my liver, but a tad on the classier side, too. So if I'm not your mailing list, you should probably think about sending me a picture of your family. Don't you want a coveted spot on a clothespin in my boyfriend's kitchen? Sure you do.

How do you display your cards?

Credit to Martha Stewart for the idea!

Funky Acrophobia

J and I vacationed in Chicago a few weeks ago. I experienced several new things while there, despite having visited the Windy City multiple times before. But the most notable newness was my trip 103 stories into the sky at Willis Tower. (Formerly known as Sears Tower. Barf on that name change.)

Whether you stick your nose up at touristy activities, or embrace them as rites of passage, you must put Willis Tower on your "to do" list. Because not only are the traditional views spectacular, but there's also a new feature on the west side of the building in the form of plexiglass boxes that jut out from the side of the building. When you venture into one of these boxes, you're standing 103 stories up, looking down at your Chicago playroom ... the cars and buildings teensy weensy. And my oh my, was it terrifyingly awesome.

My fear of heights is bizarre. I love roller coasters. But put me in a multi-level mall, make me walk on the inside near those barriers that look down into the middle and you'll send my heart racing. Flying? It's fine. (Save for takeoff and landing. Gou to the let.) Standing on the edge of the rafters behind stage of my high school's auditorium ... forgetaboutit. (Clearly a traumatizing experience, almost 9 years later.) I can't really explain my phobia's inconsistencies.

Anywho ... when we finally made our way to plexiglass peril, J tugged on my arm for the imminent photo shoot, forgetting I'd need to ease into it. Our first pictures feature a nervous smile on my face, fists clenched in utter terror. (What you can't see is the massive amounts of sweat those palms were home to.) Gradually, I got more adventurous and took my heels off the carpet, allowing my soles to bear witness to all of Wacker Drive's tinyness.

I even let J leave my side and visit the box across from me.

But when he requested that I crouch down, the butterflies returned. Powered through...

Ultimately, I'm so glad I experienced this tourist attraction and would recommend it to anyone - visitors and Chicagoans alike. We went at sunset which made for some lovely views and photos.

Got any favorite tourist traps?

Pseudo Successful

Even as someone who loves food, there aren't countless foods I could eat every single day. But one of the few I could scarf daily? Soup. Cream of, gumbo'd, bisque'd or just plain homestyle, I love it like it's my own baby. (Or my stuffed dog, Ubu.)

So when I found The Pioneer Woman's recipe for cauliflower soup, I was eager to try.

Ingredients

1 stick butter, divided

1/2 of an onion, finely diced (I used white. I always use white.)

1 whole carrot, finely diced

1 stalk celery, finely diced

1 whole (or up to 2) cauliflower heads, roughly chopped (You thought I was gonna say finely diced, huh? Do yourself a favor and don't think! Oh, and I used just one.)

2 tablespoons fresh or dried parsley, chopped

2 quarts low-sodium chicken broth or stock

6 tablespoons all-purpose flour

2 cups whole milk

1 cup half and half

2-4 teaspoons salt, to taste

1 cup sour cream, room temperature

Directions

1. In large pot or dutch oven (do I even need to tell you that I chuckled at this?) melt 4 tablespoons of butter. Add the onion and cook for a few minutes, or until it starts to turn brown.

2. Add carrots and celery, cook a couple more minutes. Add cauliflower and parsley, stir to combine. Or you could try picking up the pot and shimmying really fast. Please set up your video camera before step one if you choose to go this route. kthx.

3. Cover and cook over very low heat for 15 minutes. After 15 minutes, pour in chicken stock or broth, bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer (down nah!)

4. In a medium saucepan, melt 4 tablespoons butter. Mix the flour with the milk and whisk to combine. (Make sure you whisk reeeeeeeal good. And who needs proper grammar?) Add flour/milk mixture slowly to the butter, whisking constantly. Remove from heat, stir in 1 cup half and half.

5. Add the flour/milk/half and half mixture to simmering soup. Allow to simmer for 15-20 minutes. Check seasoning and add more salt or pepper if you need.

6. Just before serving, place the sour cream in a serving bowl or soup tureen. Add 2-3 ladles of hot soup into the tureen and stir to combine with the sour cream. Pour in remaining soup and stir.

This had all the potential of being delicious. Because The Pioneer Woman only makes delicious things. But mine left something to be desired. I don't think my roux/white sauce got thick enough. I tried adding more flour, but the butter just wasn't havin' it. Jerk. Additionally, I had to add a ton of salt to each bowl I had (which was many, because this recipe made enough soup to feed the state of Missouri. Ok ... maybe more like Delaware.) And finally, I'd definitely serve it with bread or something filling of some sort. I'm a girl who loves her meat (do with that what you must), so I was always hungry shortly after eating this.

Regardless, I'd try this recipe again! But I'd also love to find a recipe that's more creamy/pureed cauliflower.

Ahwell. First week of November? Consider yourself new'd.

So what's your favorite soup?

The Fest of October

Another cooking adventure to fulfill my weekly newness. But this time I strayed from the diabetic-inducing treats and opted to try a new dinner meal.

A coworker told me he and his wife make a lot of recipes from the Whole Foods website. While I don't do a ton of shopping there (because honestly, who can afford it?) I do enjoy the experience and philosophy quite a bit. I directed my browser to the site and found a recipe for One-Pot Oktoberfest. As it was the last week of the October, I most obviously had to try it out.

The results were tasty, even if the presentation does look about as appetizing as a bowl of your cat's hacked up hairballs. (You're welcome for that visual.)

Ingredients

1 tablespoon butter

1, 12 oz package cooked bratwurst, cut into 2-inch chunks (The original recipe calls for a Whole Foods brand, The Original Brat Hans Original Bratwurst. That's a lot of original. Point is, I didn't use it.)

1 1/4 cups low-sodium chicken broth, divided

2 teaspoons dried dill, divided

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper (You know, because it's really easy to measure out pepper as you're grinding it. Eyeball it, dummy.)

1 yellow onion, chopped (Make sure it's fairly small, otherwise don't use the whole thing. Use your judgment and don't blame me if your breath stinks for years after eating it.)

1 pound fresh button mushrooms, quartered

3 tablespoons light sour cream

3 tablespoons German mustard (I just used spicy.)

1, 32 oz. jar sauerkraut, rinsed and drained (I drained it really well but didn't rinse. Gasp!)

Directions

1. Melt butter in large pot over medium-high heat. Add sausage and cook 'til browned, about 5 minuten. (German for "minutes." Thought it was only apprope.)

2. Add 1/4 cup broth, 1 teaspoon dill, pepper and onion ... cook until onions are softened and golden, 6-8 minuten. (Deal with it.)

3. Reduce heat to medium, add mushrooms and cook until they've released their juices, about 5 minuten more. (Ok, so when you're quartering the pound of mushrooms, it's going to seem like a whole lotta fungi. It is. But they reduce significantly in size during the cooking process. I didn't quite use the whole pound and it was ok, but would have been fine with all of them! I was just worried it was going to be fungaliciouis and that would have not made J a fun-guy. Bahahaha.)

4. In a small bowl, whisk together remaining 1 cup broth, sour cream and mustard. Add this mixture to the pot, along with the sauerkraut ... bring it all to a boil, baby. (But don't boil a baby. Yikes!)

5. Reduce heat to medium and simmer until "fragrant and thickened" about 10 minuten - yep, I'm still at it - more. (I'm pretty sure sauerkraut is fragrant even before you open the can. Peeeeee Yeeeeew. I love it, though.)

6. Sprinkle with remaining dill and serve.

Warning: this recipe makes a lot.

The first time we ate it, I served it with mashed potatoes. For the leftovers later in the week, I boiled up some egg noods. While both were good, the mashers were much tastier. And since the recipe isn't all that bad nutritionally-speaking, I think it's ok to add some carbs/starch in there. Just my humble, chunky opinion.

(Whole Foods cites the following nutritional info for this six-serving recipe. "Per serving (about 13oz/367g-wt.): 240 calories (150 from fat), 17g total fat, 7g saturated fat, 45mg cholesterol, sodium difficult to determine due to rinsing of sauerkraut, 11g total carbohydrates (6g fiber, 8g sugar), 10g protein")

Ben Folds Causes Ditzery

It's no mystery that I love food. I love eating it, gourmet and junk-varieties alike. (And everything in between. Except bananas. Sick.) I love talking about it. I love thinking about it, unless I'm starving.

So it's no surprise that my first several "let's try new things" challenges were food related.

Another StumbleUpon discovery, my next adventure was caramel walnut brownies.

Ingredients

1 package (ha, I said package) chocolate cake mix

1 cup chopped nuts (Optional, but oh-so-delicious. I used walnuts.)

1 cup evaporated milk (I think this is one of those mini cans that are just friggin' cute)

1 stick or 1/2 cup butter or margarine, melted

35 (10 oz package) caramels, unwrapped ... time-consuming, but whatevs

2 cups (12 oz package) semi-sweet chocolate morsels

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Just do it.

2. Combine cake mix and nuts in a large bowl. Stir in 2/3 cup evaporated milk and butter. (The batter will be thick. Not to be confused with Alan Thicke.) Spread half of the batter into ungreased 9x13 baking pan and bake for 15 minutes.

3. Heat caramels and remaining evaporated milk in a small saucepan over low heat, stirring constantly, until caramels are melted. Sprinkle chocolate morsels over brownie and then drizzle the caramel mixture over.

4. Drop remaining batter by heaping teaspoon over mixture ... no method to this, just plop it randomly.

5. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes or until center is set.

6. Cool in pan on wire rack.

Ok so these managed to be ooey, gooey deliciousness, and I even mucked the recipe up like whoa. My first mistake came when I was jamming out to some Ben Folds, and I accidentally put too much condensed milk in the batter, which made for less leftover for the caramel. Second came right after, also during the Ben Folds karaoke session, when I forgot to put the butter in all-together. (What I'm trying to say here is that Ben Folds is at fault for my ditzery. Yeah, made up word.) Since the batter is split in half, I did remember my butter sins, cut the amount in half and added it to the remaining batter. Because there wasn't as much butter as the recipe called for, I called them half-cal brownies. Which is a bit deceiving but half true so I'm going with it. They were still really tasty, but I can only imagine how much yum would commence with all the calories in their rightful place.

Let's file this new experience as completed on the week of October 18th.

We're here to pump(kin) ... you up.

I was once addicted to StumbleUpon. When I got a new computer, I forgot to reinstall it, thus my addiction was abandoned cold turkey. Then I got an iPhone, found the StumbleUpon app and my boredom buster was once again established.

Through SU, I found a Paula Deen-modified recipe that sounded yummy. Since I purchased multiple cans of pumpkin from the Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Loaf recipe I made the previous week, and I needed to fulfill my vow of trying something new for the week right on time for Betsy Bop Bop's birthday, I tried my hand at pumpkin bars with cream cheese frosting.

First thing's first ... I've already redubbed this pumpkin cake. Bars imply a certain thinness, right? Well these were the fattest bars I've ever seen. So yeah, this is cake.

Now I'm not one to brag about my cooking. (No really, I pretty much always find something wrong with it.) But these were f'awesome. So awesome that I'm bringing them to J's Thanksgiving celebration.

Here's a picture of my version:

And here's my varied-only-by-commentary recipe, in case you're too lazy to click on a link. Or you just want to act like I made it up. Das cool, das cool.

Pumpkin Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting

Cake ingredients:

4 eggs

1 2/3 cups sugar

1 cup canola oil

1, 15 oz. can pumpkin (Is it just me, or does this stuff smell like baby vomit? Of course it makes for delicious treats, but before it's delicious it's gross-smelling.)

2 cups all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

2 teaspoons ground cinnamon (because cinnamon sticks would be silly!)

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

Frosting ingredients:

1, 8 oz. package cream cheese (aka Cow Fudge), softened

1 stick or 1/2 cup butter, softened

3-4 cups powdered sugar (I used 4)

1-2 teaspoons vanilla extract (I used 2)

(The varying powdered sugar and vanilla amounts depends on your preference of both quantity and sweetness. I thought the frosting was way too sweet for my taste, but it ended up being the perfect balance to the pumpkin cake. My version had quite a thick coating of frosting, so if you prefer a thinner layer or dollops, I'd use less powdered sugar/vanilla.)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9x13 baking dish.

2. Mix eggs, sugar, oil and pumpkin with mixer until light and fluffy. Kind of like a puppy.

3. Pour flour, baking powder, cinnamon, salt and baking soda into another bowl and mix.

4. Pour flower mixture into pumpkin mixture and force them to be buddies until (Kids) incorporated and smooth.

5. Pour the batter into the baking dish and level out the batter.

6. Bake for 30 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. (I think I ended up baking mine for a total of almost 40 minutes, checking every few minutes after the 30 minute mark. 30 minutes just wasn't enough ... it was Jello jiggly! At least Bill Cosby would have been proud.)

7. Remove from oven and allow to fully cool before removing from dish or frosting.

8. Frost the cake, duh.

Oh, well, I guess you gotta make the frosting first. Duh-tails. (Do I really need to tell you that you should make this while the cake is baking or cooling? I guess I just did.)

1. Combine cream cheese and butter in a bowl ... mix 'til smooth as a criminal.

2. Add sugar slowly until you reach your desired consistency.

3. Stir in vanilla.

4. Commence sugar high.

Filing this new experience completed on the week of October 11th.

Ode to Loaf

I'm going to channel my inner Jedi here. It has not been nine months since I've blogged. {insert sweeping hand motion here.}

Oh hey guys! I know you feel like I'm probably inundating your RSS feed (ha!) with blog updates, but you just can't stop my prose inspiration. Aight?!

In all for seriousness, I have to thank someone else for my return to my own blog. And that someone is Loaf.

Say what? Ok here's the dealio. As much as I've enjoyed blogging in the past, I've also dreaded it. I felt a lot of pressure to be interesting or funny. (Because honestly, who wants to read about my stupid swimming workout ... which has stemmed my latest excuse/habit of eating like a college student ... chips/dip and Ramen noodles.) And as a writer, I've felt a lot of pressure to be perfectemont. (My own Home Alone-inspired version of the French translation of "perfect.")

So in lieu of uncovering the solution to all these insecurities, I ignored it ... joining the ranks of New Year resolution failures.

But I decided this behavior unacceptable. I sit at home alone most weekday nights, and when my trashy DVRd shows have completed their depletion of my IQ, I either go to bed earlier than most retirees, or I drink way too much wine. (Judge if you must.)

I hunkered down for hours ... ok several minutes ... and realized I needed a theme to my blog. Not anything binding, because sometimes themes can be limiting. But structure is a good thing. (Just ask any boobs you know.) So even if I experience a total lack of motivation, I have a thematic pillow to fall back on. And when I'm feeling lazy, I have a challenge to move toward each week.

Thus, my long-winded excuse for laziness comes to a close. And my explanation of Loaf thanking is explained. When autumn rolled around, pumpkin season did, too. So I made pumpkin chocolate chip loaf for my coworkers, regardless of the ickiness of the word "loaf." (Thanks to Allison for pointing me toward the recipe!)

People enjoyed it so much that I decided I had discovered my theme! Every week, I'm going to try something new. Yep, that's it ... general enough to not be limiting, structured enough to make me do it.

I'm a little backlogged on my "new stuff" updates ... I started six weeks ago ... so the next several posts won't exactly be real-time. But I hope to keep things timely, sharing them with you in the same week that I do them.

So here goes ... think I can do this?

Rupeelicious

J often wakes up in the morning with a song in his head. And by "often" I mean "always." And naturally, he hums, sings or whistles said song. This a.m. was no exception, but this time I couldn't decipher his early-morning crooning. So I asked him what he was singing.

"The theme from Night Court."

Oh. Right. My response:

"I thought it was the theme from Zelda."

So I proceeded to belt out the entire video game ballad, with visions of rupees and 8-bit animation dancing in my head. After finishing my final note, J assessed.

"Nope. I wasn't singing that. That's way random."

Oh yeah, because the theme from Night Court isn't random. The things I deal with, I tell ya...

Mulligan

Only the second month of my e-writing mission, and I've failed. I didn't blog last week. As I packed up my purse for the grocery store yesterday I even exclaimed out loud, "I must blog today!"

I didn't.

No excuses. (I mean, I did work about 60 hours and was traveling half of the week/weekend.) But yeah, no excuses.

I'll blog twice this week, ok? I can't promise that I'll only take one mulligan throughout the year, but it will be less than five. Deal? Good.

So anywho ... the Super Bowl. Who was I cheering for? Neither the boys from the French Quarter nor the young male horses. My excitement was focused on the Harry Potter Theme Park advertisement I knew was imminent. Last night I didn't care about touchdowns or onside kicks (though that was pretty flipping awesome) ... I cared about the sneak peek into the most awesome theme park in the whole wide world.

For the real, I just can't wait to go wingardium leviosa on everyone - because you know when I go (and I will go) I'll be purchasing my very own wand from Olivanders. I do feel for J because he's obviously going to have accompany me, but maybe I'll just wander around Hogwarts by my lonesome while he does something more interesting to him ... like watching paint dry. I wouldn't mind.

I'm going to guzzle a butterbeer, see what Grawp is up to ... maybe catch a game of quidditch. Don't know if I'll have time...

Wrong (stomach) turn

Let me tell you about how a wrong turn transformed into a stomach turn (times 50.)

Headed to lunch, we were all set to cruise to Long John Silvers for J. (Undecided location for me. I don't do LJS.) Upon exiting the parking lot, pure instinct took over - J turned right instead of left. (Enter: wrong turn.) In lieu of correcting our directional mistake, we went somewhere in the River Market. The stomach-turning culprit? Winslow's BBQ.

I initially intended to type out the entire "bad restaurant experience" ... but it was getting long and boring to type. To read? Worse.

Long and boring story turned short and boring story ... the people behind us in line, sitting in a booth next to us while waiting for lunch, got our food. J was sure of it and went to retrieve the food after they shortly realized it wasn't theirs upon examining the ticket. I asked J if they had touched the food at all ... he was certain they hadn't.

Chew chew chew, nom nom nom. Second half of sandwich, J says, "Is that gum?!" while pointing to his food tray. I say, "That's not yours?!" Yeah. The people who initially got our order had put their chewed gum on the tray and still let J take it! (Enter: stomach turn.)

Appetite? Gone. J got refunded for his meal, but I certainly stopped eating mine even though the gum wasn't resting its sticky laurels on my tray. The food was awful to begin with.

Ew, my tum tum is still unsettled.

Potty Mouth

Cussing typically isn't in my vocabulary's repertoire. But lately, I've had a few choice words for certain situations. And I've realized that once you open the floodgates of profanity, it's hard to shut them off. So it's taken concerted efforts to clean out my mouth with a proverbial bar of soap. Blech.

This morning offered me validation of these efforts.

I had just poured my awake juice ... aka coffee. Freshly ground beaners, delicious half and half, a whole lot of yum. I took a sip and sauntered to the bathroom to finish prepping my head for work. As I brought the flat iron across my body to reach the frizzies on the right side of my dome, the cord decides to give my coffee mug a nudge. And a nudge was all it needed to go tumbling into the sink. And there goes my motivation, right down the drain. My piping hot motivation ... gone.

It all happened so quickly. And here was how the audible response went, "FFFFFFFFFFFFFF.... Fart!!" No censoring, folks. I actually said, "fart" instead of the other f-word.

The best part? The boyfriend yelled in from the bedroom, with closed door, "I'm proud of you for saying 'fart'."

Judging January

January, this is why you suck:

• You force me to remove my Christmas decorations from all the nooks and crannies of my home. And I will always resent you for it.
• You are cold. So cold that even when I'm donning 90% of my cold-weather wardrobe (long undies, flannel jammies, socks, slippers, sweatshirt, robe and blanket) I still get the shivery shakes.
• Your snow is the sloppy seconds of weather. December's snow was pretty. Yours is not.
• You insist that I reap the credit card damage I sowed in December. Rude.

January, this is why you're kind of ok:

• You're only one month away from V-Day and B-Day.
• You have things like hoarfrost. And that's just funny to say.
• You're usually the inspiration of killer clearance sales at several of my favorite retail locations. This is the kind of sloppy seconds of which I can approve.
• Well ... that's about it, really.

Uggly

I'm typically against the idea of spending $150+ on boots whose sole purpose (heh ... sole ... get it?) is to schlep in the snow and sludge. So last winter I opted for Target snow boots, instead. After just one chilling season, they were about as warming in the snow as a pair of flip flops, so my position on the matter shifted. I wasn't convinced but certainly open to arguments. (As if someone was going to give me a lecture on the benefits of a pair of boots.) The decision was made for me when I tore into a candy-cane wrapped Christmas gift and Uggs were there to greet me. (If my new Uggs had a voice, I imagine they'd sound like Barry White, FYI.)

I love them. I really, really love them. My feet are so warm. Warmer than a desert fox's toenails - see what I did there, OutKast? Every time I take a step, it's like I'm traipsing on a soft, cuddly puppy. That sounded wrong... just a second, I have to go block PETA on my email account.

But one issue I've noticed in the last three weeks - I've worn them every day, yes ... have you seen Kansas City lately? - is that my socks tend to gradually shimmy down my leg, ankle, then foot so it can hang out all bunched up with my toes. I appreciate the social gesture, but it's quite uncomfortable.

So I tapped my resident Uggs expert, Bop Bop. (It's not like she has stock in the company. At least I don't think she does. She's just the only person I know who wears them on a semi-regular basis.) I prefaced my inquiry with "this is probably dumb" and asked away ... does she have the same issue? With her answer, my fuzzy boot world was rocked to its core: "MOLLY! You're not supposed to wear socks with Uggs!"

After quick internet research ... and by "research" I mean "google search, clicking on the first two links listed" ... her answer was confirmed.

I have minor concerns about stink and true warmth, but you better believe I'm going to try it out. Starting now. It's like I'm going foot commando...

I Want a Golden Ticket

There are tons of things I don't understand ... Snuggies, Team Jacob, the re-emergence - let alone the emergence - of harem pants and the appeal of Jagermeister, to name a few. But what I also can't comprehend is why on Earth Bed Bath & Beyond doesn't just mark down their entire flippin' store by 20%.

Seriously, visit any home and I all-but-guarantee you'll find at least one, if not multiple, BB&B 20% off coupon. If I'm going to get a special coupon, I want to feel like Charlie freakin' Bucket. But instead, I get a BB&B coupon and hear Charlie Brown teacher commentary ... wah, wah.

Ok, I'm not really complaining. I just don't get it.