29 August 2008

Wake up call

I stayed at J's house last night and therefore took a shower there this morning. Actually, the latter part isn't what we call "a given" because I'll shoot it straight ... I don't shower every morning. Judge me if you must, but I stand behind my decision. So I opened the shower curtain in my early-morning daze, and was greeted by two of these:

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One the size of a tennis ball, the other a little larger than a golf ball. I didn't even scream. My jaw just dropped and I'm pretty sure a yelp was attempted but nothing came out. I wake J up, with sincere apologies for ruining his slumber, but there is no way on this living earth I am going near these inebriatingly frightening things. I contemplated trying to take care of them on my own for about .2 seconds, but I had no idea how to even go about it because by the looks of them, I'm fairly certain they can teleport themselves into my ears or another comparable creepy place.

J shuffles into the bathroom and takes a look at the monster insects saying, "Oh, those are just cricket things." I say, "Nope. They're the devil's spawn." Then he proceeds, "Oh, there's about 50 of these down in my cellar. I wonder how they got up here." What the F?! That's supposed to make me feel better? Just great. Now they're going to come eat me in my sleep.

EDIT: Apparently they are called cave crickets. They are "harmless" but they also eat their own legs when they can't find food. Devil. Spawn.

26 August 2008

Loud and proud

I don't care what the proverbial people say. Graphic t-shirts are not "so yesterday." Let's be honest, some of them are hilarious. And who doesn't like to laugh? They're also a good way to make fun of people without them knowing, which is always a good time. Case in point:

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This shirt embodies a phenomenon I just don't understand. We all know people who incessantly claim to have listened to bands before they got "big." Or refuse to "like" a band that has songs playing on the radio. (And they'll have a pocket of excuses for why that music is on their iPod.) Those friends who think they love a famous person more because they knew about them first. Yeah, I get the inherent need for some people to show they didn't just jump on the bandwagon. And I'm certainly not claiming to be guilt-free of these one-upping actions. Just last night I was watching The Newsies and without even realizing, thought to myself, "Man ... I loved Christian Bale before most people knew about him." Dumb.

So the moral of the blog is ... mock the people you know who do this. It's good for them. And fun for you.

18 August 2008

Bad decisions ...

I just tried making a regular, two-pieces-of-bread-sandwich into an open faced sandwich. There's a reason the restaurant put a piece of bread on top of all the fixings and my clothes have now become the brunt of the lesson. Oops?

So much for being an innovator who eats less carbs. That lasted about thirty seconds.

No you may not help me

If you thought going to Nebraska Furniture Mart on a weekend was bad (and it is) try going there on a Friday afternoon. We ventured there on a whim of unexpected motivation around 2:30 p.m. last Friday. Well ... you know how a party with a ratio of too many guys to too few females is called a sausage fest? Well this is the salesperson to customer version of that.

Initially we were stopped to be asked "Are you doing ok?" when we were testing out a couch or chair. Understandable. (No thanks, my butt can tell if I like this couch or not. You won't convince me otherwise.)

But soon, we couldn't round a furniture-filled corner without being asked "Can I help you find anything?" or any variation of the phrase. Not sure how many times we replied with a "No, just browsing, thanks." But you know when you write, type or say a word too many times, it begins sounding completely foreign? Yeah, that's what happened to our response phrase.

J regretted not setting an over/under on the number of times we were bombarded by the clearly-on-commission-employees. I regretted not punching half of them in the face.

Anywho, we found a couch we really liked ... hated the pillows. Like clockwork, we had another insincere offer for help, but we actually obliged this time. Asked him about the pillows and ended the conversation there. The guy gave us his card and said "Ask for me if you decide you want the couch. I'd really appreciate it." He walks off and mutters, "This is how we make a living, you know." I thought it odd, but shrugged it off. Shrugged it off, that is, until we passed the same guy 10 minutes later and when we told him we were just browsing he says "Yeah, that's what they always say" while rolling his eyes. Um. Rude!

We go back to the NFM on Sunday to purchase a chair. The place was crawling with all walks of life ... great for people watching, bad for furniture buying. We, however, found the perfect chair. Colors, pattern, size and price. I sit on it, staking claim so Betty Sue and her five screaming kids with grubby hands don't test it out and ruin it. (It's the last one, floor model sale ... don't judge me for judging others.) We couldn't find someone to sell it to us to save our lives. Finally we track someone down, buy the thing and make a beeline out of there.

Too bad we still have a living and dining room to fill. Are there any other furniture stores in KC?

12 August 2008

The disappearing guilt

I have decided to return the jeans.

(Ok, it's not because of the guilt. It's because they were semi-fugly.)

08 August 2008

Gross.

What's "gross" you may ask? The fact that it's 4:54 and I'm awake. (Been up for 20 minutes.) Seriously. Disgusting.

I hate early flights. Especially when I'm not on them. I just have to transport the dudes that get to go somewhere. Lame.

07 August 2008

Frick!

I've got an addiction that I desperately need to kick. It could be worse ... alcohol, cigarettes ... but it could be lots better, too - more productive - scrapbooking, running. (I try to run twice a week, but let's be honest. I am in no way addicted to it.)

I just bought another pair of designer jeans. Holy Lord, what is my problem?! I just moved and while unpacking my clothes I said to myself "This, you idiot Molly, is why you don't need to continue to purchase jeans. No excuses." But when I get an email alert about a designer name I've been pining over for close to five years, and the price is finally not stupid expensive, I have zero self-control. Honestly ... it's getting ridiculous.

So I implore you to tell me what to do. My bank account could really use the suggestions.

06 August 2008

Wishful thinking

Hello. Not-so-blogging Molly here. I just want to update you on a decision I've made. A very important decision. I've finally determined what my "one wish" is. You know ... the wish you get from the One Wish Genie? Yeah, that one. Listen, I'm putting all "peace for mankind" and "end homelessness" aside. Those are far too noble for moi. Can we just assume that I'm not the jerk who chooses to ignore the worldly woes for her own selfish "issues"? I say we just adopt a theoretical situation that all countries are at peace and everyone gets along. Like frosting on a Ritz cracker ... strangly harmonious. (Don't believe me? Just try it. I defy you to do so and not think it's amazing.)

So let's get to it. My one wish is to feel well-rested. Every night. No matter the circumstances. Just pondering the potential improvements makes me want to begin a 9 p.m. bedtime regimen ... starting tonight. (Yeah, right.)

I'd save money, only guzzling coffee when I crave it instead of virtually demanding an IV of the caffeinated stuff like now.

I'd be bright and bushy tailed, whatever that means, even if I stayed up a little late to make cupcakes or do completely unnecessary crafts. (It's been known to happen.)

It would make drinking two glasses of wine a lot easier. Not that I'd make a habit of it. But some nights, you just need two glasses of wine. If you don't know where I'm coming from, I want your job.

So yes, the basis of this "one wish" is for Molly ... uh huh, selfish. But if you really think about it, this is for the greater good for those around me as well. I mean, the "stink eye" would make fewer appearances. Motivation and productivity would see massive improvement. And let's face it, I'm a pretty fun person when I get enough sleep. So the world would just be an all-around merrier place. Who doesn't want that? No one. That's who.