Don't be that person: Concert Edition

Concerts are great for people watching, if you're into that sort of thing. They're also great for mocking the people you're watching. I've come to the conclusion that no matter what concert I go to, Johnny Acoustic or Richard Rocker, there will always be "those people."

And here ... we ... go:

•The self-proclaimed super fan who must yell every lyric of the song because that means he likes the artist more than you do.

•The tools – most often stereotypical frat guy – who talk during every song. They make it apparent they’ve seen the artist in 37 different cities, but you can tell they aren’t enjoying the current set because it’s from the new album they didn’t even know existed. When the artist says something “funny” or something not in the original lyrics, they laugh hysterically and repeat the line to each other. Yes, we all heard it. Now go bong a beer. (Let me be clear in that I have nothing against cool fraternity guys. Just the ones who are DBs.)

•The obnoxious drunk girls who dress up and wear fancy shoes when there’s a torrential downpour outside. They’re convinced the artist will ask them to come up on stage or meet him backstage. Good luck, you idiots. Hope that pneumonia treats you well.

•The doped up crazy dancer who needs a 10-foot radius for their moves. (This dancing space will be given to them either voluntarily or not for fear of losing an eyeball from any and every sudden movement. I can appreciate someone who’s enjoying the entertainment, but this one skews on the extreme side … during every. Single. Song.)

•The people (or in my most recent concert’s case, the lone chick) who wait in eager anticipation for the one lyric that talks about smoking pot, just so they can wildly scream to let everyone around them know they smoke pot, too! In their minds, this gives them an automatic “in” with the artist. They’re totally friends, now. (I groan especially loud when these people are recorded on live CDs. Case in point: any Dave Matthews Band live album.)

•The people who attempt to make tradition of holding up their fingers when any lyric includes numbers. Ex: 4, 3, 2, 1. I have been to concerts in which this action is tradition for specific songs and it’s fine. But don’t try to start it, buddy. You’re not that cool.

•The guy who goes to concerts alone, closes his eyes during the sets and bobs his head in musical appreciation. Occasionally he’ll break out of his trance to play air drums during a particularly awesome part of the song. I shouldn’t be so judging, but quite frankly, this guy is usually a creepster. There’s nothing wrong with going to a performance alone. Just don’t be so Crispin Glover about it.

•The 7-footer who thinks it’s appropriate to stand front and center. Look, I know you think you have rights just like the rest of us. But “the rest of us” took a vote and decided you lose privileges because of God’s sense of humor to make you a giant. You could see the band from across the street, so practice some manners, please.

•The dude who’s too cool to listen to the music. Not sure why they even bother showing up to the concert, but they’ve got that “this is lame” look on their face. And you can forget about joining in on any of the group activities: clapping, singing along, having fun in general.

•The poor sap who brought his first date to a concert. Theoretically, this was a kickass idea. But treat this venue like going to a movie when you want to get to know someone. Not going to work when you have to yell (whisper) any topic of conversation and said conversation is a total of three sentences. At the end of the night, all you know about her is that she “loves this song!” And we’re all frustrated because when you lean over to chat, you keep blocking the window view we’ve created in order to see the band.

•The artist who has a stuffed, three-headed dog from Harry Potter displayed on a guitar amp. Oh wait, that’s just Ben Folds because he’s awesome like that.