Show your character

Yesterday I volunteered to "sell" papers on a busy street corner from 6:15-9 a.m. for Greater KC Day. Greater KC Day is put on by Royals Charities, with proceeds going to the KC Rotary Youth. It's a good cause, so it makes it worth it to wake up at 5:30 a.m. - an hour I didn't know existed. The first year I volunteered ruined any other years for me, I think, because it was absolutely gorgeous weather. This year, and last, was plagued with cold, rain and wind. But rain or shine, you're bound to learn about all the behaviors of people trying to avoid giving you any monies. These ill-patterned individuals were the most common of everyone I saw in the 2 1/2 hour span. (KC, you make me so proud.)

The Lane Changer: Oh, because changing lanes is really going to help. You're one lane over so you think I can't see you? Look, my posse has all corners covered, so even if you get away without handing over your change, you're sure as heck not getting away without guilt.

The Vision Averter: Similar to the lane changer, this driver will stay in the lane they were originally driving in, but when they pull up to stop, they make sure they're in a position where the bar on their windshield blocks the line of vision between the person trying to ask for money and them. Excuse me, are you three years old? Because I remember when I was three years old ... playing hide and seek, the best strategy was "if I can't see them, they can't see me."

The Center Consoler: This is amazing ... all of a sudden, when they pull up to stop, their center console becomes fascinating.

The I'm Really Busy: The cell phone is the most common. You know, because when you're talking on the phone, it's obviously impossible to roll down your window and hand me some change. Others use their coffee mugs. But I don't think it would matter if it was a four-week old can of Volt - they will drink it just to avoid contact with someone volunteering their time for a good cause.

The Laugher or Shaker: Yes, there were several people who either shook their head in seemingly disgust at me, or who just laughed at me because I'm an idiot for standing outside in the current weather conditions. Well you know what? I'm judging you for doing that. I feel fairly confident in saying I am a better person than you are. Deal with it.

The Straight One: No, I'm not referring to sexual orientation. This one will look straight ahead, and only straight ahead, no matter what. I think next year I will approach their car, two inches from their window, just to test their commitment to looking straight on. If you stay strong, I will give you major props. If I win, you give me all the cash in your wallet. And remember, I have boobs and I know how to use them. (Ok, I probably won't use them. But I'll still probably win.)

The Shifty One: These ones try to look straight ahead, but it's easy to see their eyes shift to you, wondering if you're still standing there asking for money. Yep. Still here...

The Nice Car: If you're driving a brand new Lexus or BMW, and you don't even give me an "I'm sorry" look, let alone your spare change or dollar, I will judge you, too. I don't even have to explain myself on that one.

The Dry One: This is the a-hole who's nice and dry in the parking garage next to you, in his fancy suit, who asks you if you have a dry paper. I make the effort to dig one out even though I can't feel my fingers - and he walks away without giving a donation. Not even a quarter. Ok this was just one guy last year, and I'm definitely still bitter.

The not-really a Royals fan Royals fan: Look, it's Greater KC Day. One of the Royals' biggest initiatives for charity. And everyone who's a real Royals fan knows about the hundreds of volunteers who litter KC-area street corners to raise money one day a year. So if you're wearing Royals gear and you don't donate or you practice one of the previously listed offenses, you are not a Royals fan. Seriously.


Don't get me wrong, there were some generous and friendly people out there. Ones who gave me $5 and $10 bills, out sympathy more than anything. Or the lady who offered to get me a cup of coffee. But unfortunately, the sketchy people outnumbered the good ones.

But let's be honest, we've all been victim to this shady behavior at least once, whether it's a homeless person or fireman with a boot asking for money. I'd say I'm a fair mix of either the cell phoner or the vision averter. But after three years of witnessing this crappy-but-inevitable human behavior first hand, I've vowed to donate to good causes when I see them. The ones panhandling ... well, that's another blog in itself. I won't go there.

So which one are you?